Warlock, What Have They Done To You?

I remember the day Uncle Matthew died.

 I did the math and I was ten years old when it happened.  I remember Uncle Matthew laying on his right side facing the window.  Even though he was drifting in and out of consciousness, he kept telling the doctors he was more comfortable on his side.  He had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks at that point but he had been fighting cancer for over a year.  When he was admitted this time, it wasn't supposed to get this bad.  He went downhill quickly.

 I really liked Uncle Matthew.  He was around ten years younger than my dad and was around ten years older than I was.  He was old enough to trust with taking me places, but young enough that we did really fun stuff.  I saw him more than I really should have too.  I lived in Nova Scotia with my mom and dad while Uncle Matthew lived with Grandma Linda in Ottawa.  But every year my parents would choose one holiday to visit and twice a year my dad would need to come to Ottawa because the headquarters of the company he worked for were located there.  When I turned five or six, Dad would take me on the trips with him and we would stay with Grandma Linda and Uncle Matthew. 
We were in Ottawa for one of those trips when Uncle Matthew was admitted.  When he started getting really bad, mom started making the trip from Cape Breton to be with us.

It was also that visit that dad told me I was born in that very hospital.  I was surprised.  I just assumed I was born in Nova Scotia.  Dad told me that they had come to visit for Thanksgiving and during the visit him and mom were in a car accident.  Somehow, this sent my mom into labour and I showed up way sooner than I was scheduled for.  Dad told me that the doctors had given up on me.  After a day in an incubator they were told I was too weak to even cry and if I didn't start breathing on my own, it wasn't going to end well.  Dad told me that when he heard crying come from my room he ran so fast he wiped out before he even got through the door.  As he told the story he started to cry.  He looked at Uncle Matthew laying in his bed and said that when he got himself off the floor, Uncle Matthew was standing next to me crying.  That's probably why Uncle Matthew took such a liking to me. He was there when I finally decided to start breathing.

I remember when Grandpa John arrived to the hospital.  He brought Papa Jack and Nanny Margaret with him, which were his parents.  So, my great grandparents.  Right after them was Grandma Linda who was somewhere in the hospital.  Everyone started hugging everyone and wrapping their arms around each other and tried to keep from crying.  In retrospect, it was nice to see Grandma Linda and Grandpa John hugging because they really did not get along.  I never did figure out why. 

The only person not taking part in the comforting was Nanny Margaret.  She was in that strange phase of dementia.  I don't know how else to put it.  Sometimes she was lucid, sometimes she stared off into space.  When she was present, you didn't know what was going to come out of her mouth.  Sometimes it made sense, sometimes it didn't.  When everyone arrived, she just sat in her wheelchair and stared off into the distance.  That is until she looked at the hospital bed and said "Who is that?"  Papa Jack told her it was Uncle Matthew, her grandson.  She wheeled herself all the way around the bed in what looked like an absolute panic.  Some tried to help her, some tried to stop her and some just tried to figure out what the heck she was trying to do.  When she got to the other side of the bed, she looked at Uncle Matthew and started to cry.  She started stroking his cheek and said something weird.  "Warlock ... what have they done to you?"

Papa Jack asked "Mother, what are you babbling on about?"  I always found it interesting that Papa called Nanny "Mother".  I don't know why.  Anyway, Papa Jack told Nanny that now was not the time.  Nanny Margaret looked at Papa Jack and said, yet again, something weird.  "He must have crossed the guild."  Papa Jack rolled his eyes and said "Lord, here we go with the guild."  Then just like that, Nanny Margaret was staring off into nothing again.  Papa Jack explained that several years back Nanny Margaret had started talking about a guild that she was part of.  Some magical group that could do wizardry and other spectacular things.  She insisted that because her birthday fell on the thirty-first of October, this granted her entry.  She had told Papa Jack that what everyone knows as Halloween had become so askew, but there was some truth to it.  After he told everyone this, he apologized for Nanny Margaret's outburst and figured that since Uncle Matthew's birthday was also October thirty-first, she just dragged him into the illusion.

 The weird stuff did not end there.  After a little while Nanny Margaret became present to what was around her again.  She looked at Uncle Matthew and began stroking his cheek again.  She wasn't crying though.  Then she turned and looked right at me and smiled.  It really scared me.  It was weird that she was smiling while next to her dying grandson and even stranger because I didn't know which Nanny Margaret was actually smiling at me.  It was just scary.  I still shudder when I picture it.  I sat there scared out of my mind.  As bad as it may sound, the fact that Uncle Matthew passed about twenty minutes later, helped because it got my mind off the look Nanny Margaret had given me.

 As much as I do remember of that day, I cannot remember how it ended up that Nanny Margaret and I were left alone in the room with Uncle Matthew.  Not only were we in a room with someone who had died, but I was left alone with a woman who no one could predict minute to minute.  But that's when Nanny Margaret looked at me and said "I'm not crazy you know."  I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded my head.  She then told me that she simply gets tired of day to day life sometimes and goes to visit her friends at the guild.  Again, I had nothing, so I added a smile to my knod.  She then looked at me and asked if she could tell me a story.  I will admit, it was purely to appease her and keep her calm, but I said yes.  This is the story she told me.

 "There was a husband and wife driving through the city.  They were not very familiar with their surroundings and unfortunately made a bad turn causing them to get into an accident.  The wife was pregnant, but was not due to give birth for more than two months.  The accident caused her to go into labour.  She gave birth to the baby, but the baby was very weak and the prognosis was not very positive.  It was almost a certainty that even with modern medicine and prayer, the baby would not last more than a couple days.  However, the baby's uncle came to visit.  He saw the heartbreak and sorrow of his brother, sister in-law and other family members around him.  The unlce was a member of a guild.  A very powerful and magical society that had a rather exclusive membership.  Standing next to the baby, he visited the guild and demanded that something be done to save the baby.  The guild refused.  There was many things they could do, but save someone from dying who was not a member of their society, was forbidden.  If every comrade could save the life of every person they did not want to die, no one would ever die.  The uncle tried and tried to find some kind of alternative, but failed.  It was then that a comrade said something very interesting.  If the baby had been born on the day it was intended to be born, they would have been part of the society.  The baby still would have been over a month premature, but would have been saved.  The uncle attempted to convince the council that the baby was supposed to be part of the guild and therefore needed to be saved.  The guild again refused because should have did not translate to is.  Even though they were defiant, the uncle did see some weakness and consideration from the council.  He felt he was making a decent argument.  He then stated that he would trade his enrollment to allow the baby into the guild.  The council deliberated and stood firm that it did not make it true.  However, they told him that the only circumstance that they would agree to was if the uncle denounced his membership to the guild, the baby would be saved.  The uncle immediately and simply looked at the council and said "Goodbye".

 At that point Nanny Margaret went away, even though she was still sitting next to me.  I saw the similarities in her story and the story my dad told me only a few hours earlier, but I wrote it off as Nanny Margaret's ramblings.  Using real life events and melding them with what she believed was real, but wasn't.

 Every once and a while, I remember Uncle Matthew, which makes me remember Nanny Margaret, which makes me remember the story.  I'm not saying I give the story any more credibility than I did at age ten.  But sometimes it's a nice story to believe is true.  Even for a few seconds.

Canadian, Single and Pissed Off

by : Matthew Terry

Current Canadian & Single bachelorette, Laura Manger, is hot with the YSI Network as well as the show's producers and may have gotten herself in hot water in the process. Manger's issues derive from the show not telling her information concerning fan favourite and odds on winner, Michael Osgoode. 

 This past week's episode featured Manger on a date with business owner Chris Byrt.  While her and Byrt were leaving a restaurant, Manger noticed Osgoode leaving an adult establishment with dancers, adult movies and other attractions.  Manger did not have the opportunity to confront Osgoode in the moment and ultimately asked the show to dismiss Osgoode without speaking to him herself.  Manger is shown telling host Beau Walker to let him go but not tell him that she caught him coming out of the establishment.  Walker obliged, leaving a very confused, and crushed, Osgoode leaving the house.

However, those who viewed the show, including Manger, saw Osgoode was there at the request of fellow bachelor Chad Oshawa, who infamously stated "If she doesn't want me tonight, I'll find some women that do."  Oshawa left the bachelor house in search of adult entertainment which he admits is a favourite pastime of his.  When his money ran out, Oshawa called the house begging for someone to bring him more funds that he had stashed in his dresser drawer.  Osgoode reluctantly brought the money to him but didn't even want to enter the building when he got there, asking the doorman to deliver the money to Oshawa.  When the doorman refused, Osgoode quickly ran in, delivered the cash and quickly made an exit.

 Before the episode finished, Manger took to TWITTER with "I swear no one told me that the strip club was not Michael's idea."   Followed almost immediately by "I truly think I'm going to be sick."  Fans began tweeting the bachelorette with messages like "Take him back." and "It's not too late."  After a few hours Manger tweeted "Just took my head out of my ass.  Wish time travel existed.  Not that easy to fix everyone."  Manger's tweets took a more and more angry tone over the next couple days with examples like "The show had LOTS of chance to tell me.  They destroyed us for good TV." and "No one is answering the [expletive] phone # they said "Call anytime." followed by "Reader's Digest version of the e-mail response I got ... "See you at the finale."

 Bad mouthing the network, the show and the people involved is only the tip of the trouble Manger may be in.  It has long been known that bachelorettes on the show must sign a very strict confidentiality agreement.  Which may come back and bite Manger after she tweeted "No disrespect to the kicker, but this really would have changed things."  This statement seemingly suggests that she ultimately chooses former pro football kicker, Kirk Long, in the end.

 Osgoode, Long and everyone involved with Canadian & Single have been Twitter
silent since the episode aired.  While Manger has been silent for three days prior to this writing.

  We will update this story as things occur.

GET THE BALL GRANDPA

GET THE BALL GRANDPA
by: Matthew Terry

I try my best to be a good grandpa.
 
 I live in Niagara Falls, Ontario.  While my son and his wife live in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia.  Obviously, my grandson lives with them, so I don't get to see and do things with him as much as I would like.  I try to make every visit as special as I can.  The problem is that he's six years old and all he wants to do is play, play and play some more.  I'm okay if I can lay on the floor and play cars or army men or board games, but I lack the ability to run with him and play outside with him.  Almost forty years sitting in the driver's seat of an eighteen wheeler will do that to your body, but I do everything I'm capable of when he asks.  So, when he said he wanted to go see a Toronto Blue Jays game, we were certainly going to see a Toronto Blue Jays game.

I wanted to get as good of seats as I could for his first ever ball game.  I don;t know if you're familiar with ticket prices these days, but they are not cheap.  However, I found three seats in the first row of the right field bleachers.  They were reasonable as far as prices go.  So, my grandson, his grandma and myself went to the game.  The one thing I did not count on was the stairs.  Lots of stairs.  At least lots of stairs for me.  It took me a while to get to our seats.  I know I held a few people up while I slowly climbed down, but they were polite and understanding.  But, when my grandson said "You're slow Grandpa.", that stung quite a bit.  Luckily, one of our seats was on the aisle so I could stretch my legs out the best I could while the game was going on.

 We were playing the New York Yankees.  During the game, my grandson asked questions about the Blue Jays, about the Yankees, about Rogers Stadium, about many things having to do with baseball.  I am not a baseball fan, but I did the best I could. 

 Thank heavens for hawkers.  Those men and women who carry drinks and snacks around the stadium.  I dreaded having to climb back up the stairs to get any kind of food or drink should my grandson want something.  Although, it did bother me when he said "Why do we have to wait?  Why can't we just go get it Grandpa?"  That being said, he was more than happy when the food was in his hands and he could chow down on it.  Unfortunately, the tears almost welled up again when everyone in the stadium started doing the wave and couldn't stand up with everyone else.  At least not in unison.  My grandson noticed.  He asked if I was okay and said I should stay in my seat so I don't hurt myself ... more.

 I can't tell you what inning it was or even what player was at bat.  I know it was a Yankee player though.  He hit the ball hard and it was heading straight for us.  I heard my grandson yell "Catch it, catch it!!"  I missed the ball entirely.  I'm pretty sure it went right through my hands.  It landed in the stairway a couple steps up from out seats.  I don't remember thinking it through, but I got out of my seat and actually lunged for the ball.  But so did several other people.  I was essentially at the bottom of the pile.  There were hands reaching all over the place, trying to grab the ball.  I can still hear my grandson yelling "Get the ball Grandpa!!"  I watched as the ball rolled away to the right, more than out of my reach.  Even if my body could muster the strength for one last stretch, I wasn't going to get it.  I watched as a man in glasses grabbed the ball and tucked it into his body for safety.  I was tryng to get up when someone grabbed my right hand.  I thought someone was trying to stablize themselves until I felt a baseball get placed in my palm.  I looked over and the man with glasses was looking me straight in the eye.  He said "You got the ball Grandpa."

 The pile broke up and another man helped me to my feet.  I looked over and saw my grandson staring at me.  I showed him the baseball and he cheered harder than he had at any point during the game.  I got a nice round of applause as I handed my grandson the ball.  I briefly looked over my shoulder and saw the man with glasses returning to his seat.  I sat down and my grandson jumped in my lap.  He gave me a real snug squeeze around the neck and said "Thank you Grandpa!"  He stayed in my lap and was simply mesmorized by the souvenir.  After a few minutes he asked if I wanted him to get off his lap.  My legs were pretty stable and I was enjoying the affection so much that I told him he didn't have to.  He went back to staring at the ball.  I wasn't even watching the game anymore.  I was enjoying that moment with my grandson so much.  Eventually, I just could not stop it.  Tears began building in my eyes.  My lip began to shake trying to limit the outward show of emotion.  My wife noticed and asked if I was hurt.  I told he that I was fine.  She asked if I was sure.  I squeezed my grandson and said I was positive.

 When the ninth inning came, the man with glasses came to mind.  I needed to thank him.  I casually looked over my shoulder and realized that his seat was empty.  The people he seemed to be sitting with were gone too.  A quick look at the score showed us leading 13-1.  I thought th eman must have decided to beat the crowd out of the stadium.  When the game did end, I slowly walked up the stairs and into the concourse.  I kept a lookout for the man with glasses, but never did see him.  For that I feel awful.  He probably figured he was giving my grandson the ball, but was using me as a middle man of sorts.  He undoubtably heard him yell "Get the ball Grandpa." and quickly devised a plan.  I don;t think he realizes just how big of a moment he created.

 About a year later I was in Cape Breton visiting my son, his wife, my grandson and their newest addition, my grandaughter.  When I got out of the car, my grandson was playing catch with his little friend on the front lawn.  He ran up and gave me a hug.  I looked at him and said "I hope that's not the ball from the Blue Jays game."  He hung his head and said that he had lost that ball and that he was sorry.  I'll admit, it hurt a little bit.  Then his little friend asked "What ball from the Blue Jays game?"  My grandson then started telling the story with so much enthusiasm that you would have thought I hit the home run rather than caught it.  That cancelled out any pain I could possibly feel.

The McEwans - Youth These Days

Bert and Ruth are sitting at the kitchen table.  Bert is reading his newspaper.  Ruth sips on her tea.  Ruth then looks out the window and ...

Ruth:  Do we have grandchildren?

Bert:  Oh no.  You are slipping away from me.  How could this happen so ...

Ruth:  Be quiet you old ...

Bert:  Well, what kind of question is that?  Of course we have grandchildren.

Ruth:  Really?  Where are they?

Bert:  Do you want exact locations or ...

Ruth:  Will you be quiet.

Bert:  You keep asking me dumb questions.

Ruth:  And you keep giving me even dumber answers.

Bert:  Why don't you get to the point.  You and I may not have enough years left to beat around this particular bush.

Ruth:  Do you remember when they used to call us every day?  They thought you and I were the greatest thing in the world.  They would run into our arms every single time we saw them.

Bert:  If they ran into our arms now, we'd fall to the ground.

Ruth:  You know what I'm talking about.  They never call anymore.  They never come over anymore.  We have grandchildren less than a mile away from this house.  Yet we never see them unless they're brought here against their will.

Bert:  It is not against their will.

Ruth:  Oh, yes it is.  They came over here for our anniversary.  Charlotte would not get off her cell phone and she kept bugging her mother to let her go out with her boyfriend rather than be here.

Bert:  They do have lives.  I'm sure if she truly didn't want to be here, they would not have made her come along.

Ruth:  Really?  Do you remember when we dragged Joseph to your parents house?  We did it on more than one occasion.

Bert:  We didn't drag Joseph anywhere.

Ruth:  If you only knew.  I don't know how many times Joey came to me saying "Mom, don;t make me ...", "Mom I don't want to go.", "Mom, Grandma smells bad and Grandpa smells worse."

Bert:  Get off of it Ruth.

Ruth:  It's true.

Bert:  Then, are you not being hypocritical by saying that Charlotte was forced to be here.  You supposedly made Joseph go places.  How can you complain that Charlotte is made to come here?

Ruth:  I see the error of my ways!  I should not have made Jospeh do anything he didn't want to do. 

Bert:  Fair enough.

Ruth:  But most of all, I can't figure out why she wouldn't want to come here.

Bert:  Maybe we smell.

Ruth:  We?

Bert:  Funny.

Ruth:  I'm calling Charlotte.

Bert:  What for?

Ruth:  I'm going to make her want to visit us.

Bert:  How are you planning on doing that?

Ruth:  Shut up.  It's ringing.

Bert:  This should be good.

Ruth:  Hello?  Charolotte?  Hello sweetheart.  It's Grandma. ... I'm doing good.  How about you? ... Great.  Sweetie, when is the last time you saw your grandfather? ... Really?  That long? ... Did you tell him you loved him? ... You don't know? ... You don't think you did? ... Oh, sweetie. Your grandfather just died.  Bet you wish you said you loved him now. ...

The McEwan's : Goin' Outside

The McEwan's: Goin' Outside


 Bert and Ruth are sitting at the kitchen table.  Bert is reading his newspaper.  Ruth sips on her tea.  Ruth then looks out the window and ...

Ruth:  Why won't you let me outside?

Bert:  Excuse me?

Ruth:  Why the heck won't you let me outside?!

Bert:  Ruth, you're an eighty year old woman.  Not a ... basset hound.

Ruth:  What do you mean by that?!

Bert:  I mean, you let dogs outside.  You do not let people outside.  They just go.

Ruth:  Forget that!  You think I look like a basset hound!

Bert:  I do not think you look like a basset hound!

Ruth:  You just said I look like a basset hound!

Bert:  I said basset hound as an example of a dog.  That's all.

Ruth:  Basset hound was the first dog you thought of?

Bert:  Yes.

Ruth:  So in the process of trying to think of a type of dog, you thought 'Hmm ... Ruth ... Basset Hound.'

Bert:  Ruth, stop!  It's just a type of dog.  You would not be happy with any breed of dog, would you?

Ruth:  No, because I'm not a dog!

Bert:  Which was my point!  You are not a dog!

Ruth:  Fine.

Bert:  Good.

Ruth:  Why can't I go outside?

Bert:  No one ever said you cannot go outside.

Ruth:  All we ever do is sit at this table.  Read newspapers and drink tea.  It's like winning a prize when someone knocks on the door or the phone rings.  Seems the only time we ever leave is when we go to the doctor.  Which means all the fresh air we get is from the door to the car.

Bert:  Ruth.  If you want to go outside.  If you want to get some fresh air.  There are no locks on the doors.  Just go outside.

Ruth:  Okay.  I will.

Bert:  Wonderful.

Ruth:  I'll take my tea out onto the deck.

Bert:  No you can't.  Remember, the boards are all loose.  The guy is coming next week to fix them.

Ruth:  Okay.  I'll take a walk down the street.

Bert:  Well, you know the sidewalk isn't very level and neither of us are very stable these days.

Ruth:  I'll go tend to my flower garden.  I don't know when the last time I did that was.

Bert:  About three years ago when you said you couldn't garden anymore and told me to dig everything up.

Ruth:  Well ... I'll ... How about ...  Uhhh ...  Can I sit in the driveway.

Bert:  The car is in the driveway.

Ruth:  ...

Bert:  Any other ideas.

Ruth:  No.

Bert:  Okay.

Ruth:  Why the heck are you trying to make me go outside anyway?!

FIVE MINUTES TO KILL ME!

FIVE MINUTES TO KILL ME!!
by: Matthew Terry


      Running down the hallway, she entered the bathroom as quickly as she could.  All she wanted to do was get as far away as possible from her boyfriend.  She locked the door behind her, threw her purse onto the counter and tried to slow down her breathing.  She grabbed her purse and started looking for her cell phone.  She needed to get out of this house.  She needed her boyfriend to come get her.  She looked and looked through her bag, but could not find her phone.

      Suddenly, her boyfriend tried opening the door.  Finding it locked, he began banging on it.  He exclaimed "Open the door.  We need to talk about this."  She continued trying to find her phone.  "C'mon, open the door!"  She yelled back "Go away.  I don't want to talk about anything."  After a couple moments of silence, he said "Really?  I find out you're seeing someone else and you think we don't need to talk about this?"

    She now had every item out of her purse.  Her cell phone nowhere to be found.  He began banging on the door again.  "Stop banging on the door." she said.  "You're acting like an animal."  He responded "I'm acting like an animal?  Out of the two of us, I'm the one acting like and animal?  Humans have sexual relations with one person at a time.  Animals have sexual relations with multiple partners.  Which one of us sounds more ... "  "Real mature!" she yelled back.

   Once again, he started knocking on the door.  She really does not want to deal with this.  She just wants to get out of the house.  She would do anything to just get out of this house.


   She grabbed the handle of the door and flung it open.  She looked him straight in the eye and says "You have five minutes to kill me."  He sat dumbfounded as he looked at her.  "What the hell are you talking about?"  She took a deep breath and continued.   "I just called the police and told them I was being assaulted.  You know what they heard?  You yelling and banging on the door.  I'm guessing it will take them about five minutes to get here.  So, I recommend you kill me now before they get here."

   "Why the hell would I kill you?" he asked.
   
   "Because if you don't.  Then they're going show up here, I'm going to tell them how abusive you are and you're going to get arrested.  Then, I promise you, you will be sitting in a jail cell repeating over and over 'I should have killed her.  I should have killed her.'

   "Abusive?  I have never laid a hand on you in ten years."

    "I know that.  But it doesn't matter.  I'm the woman in distress.  They may figure it out eventually, but not before you spend a few nights in jail and ruin your reputation in this town."

    "Really?  You would do that to me?"
   
   "Amazing what people will do when they're backed into a corner."

   "You know I'm not going to do a damn thing to you."

   "Then maybe you should just run.  You have my word I won't tell them where you are.  You can go away and let things calm down.  I'll just tell them I was scared.  They'll buy that."

    "So I just walk out the door and let you handle the police that are coming in five minutes?"


   "Well, like two minutes now.  You should get going."

   "And they're on their way because you called them after you ran into the bathroom?"

   "That's right.  Good thing I had my cell phone on me."

   He stepped out of the doorway and walked down the hall.  She leaned onto the bathroom counter and started taking deep breaths.  Relieved she thought so quickly.  Suddenly, he appeared back in the doorway.  He looked her straight in the eye.

   "Maybe I should just kill you." he said.

   She began to feel scared.  This is not how the plan was supposed to end up.  He pulled her cell phone from behind his back and threw it to her.

  
"Just call who you need to call and get the hell out of my house."