The McEwan's : Goin' Outside

The McEwan's: Goin' Outside


 Bert and Ruth are sitting at the kitchen table.  Bert is reading his newspaper.  Ruth sips on her tea.  Ruth then looks out the window and ...

Ruth:  Why won't you let me outside?

Bert:  Excuse me?

Ruth:  Why the heck won't you let me outside?!

Bert:  Ruth, you're an eighty year old woman.  Not a ... basset hound.

Ruth:  What do you mean by that?!

Bert:  I mean, you let dogs outside.  You do not let people outside.  They just go.

Ruth:  Forget that!  You think I look like a basset hound!

Bert:  I do not think you look like a basset hound!

Ruth:  You just said I look like a basset hound!

Bert:  I said basset hound as an example of a dog.  That's all.

Ruth:  Basset hound was the first dog you thought of?

Bert:  Yes.

Ruth:  So in the process of trying to think of a type of dog, you thought 'Hmm ... Ruth ... Basset Hound.'

Bert:  Ruth, stop!  It's just a type of dog.  You would not be happy with any breed of dog, would you?

Ruth:  No, because I'm not a dog!

Bert:  Which was my point!  You are not a dog!

Ruth:  Fine.

Bert:  Good.

Ruth:  Why can't I go outside?

Bert:  No one ever said you cannot go outside.

Ruth:  All we ever do is sit at this table.  Read newspapers and drink tea.  It's like winning a prize when someone knocks on the door or the phone rings.  Seems the only time we ever leave is when we go to the doctor.  Which means all the fresh air we get is from the door to the car.

Bert:  Ruth.  If you want to go outside.  If you want to get some fresh air.  There are no locks on the doors.  Just go outside.

Ruth:  Okay.  I will.

Bert:  Wonderful.

Ruth:  I'll take my tea out onto the deck.

Bert:  No you can't.  Remember, the boards are all loose.  The guy is coming next week to fix them.

Ruth:  Okay.  I'll take a walk down the street.

Bert:  Well, you know the sidewalk isn't very level and neither of us are very stable these days.

Ruth:  I'll go tend to my flower garden.  I don't know when the last time I did that was.

Bert:  About three years ago when you said you couldn't garden anymore and told me to dig everything up.

Ruth:  Well ... I'll ... How about ...  Uhhh ...  Can I sit in the driveway.

Bert:  The car is in the driveway.

Ruth:  ...

Bert:  Any other ideas.

Ruth:  No.

Bert:  Okay.

Ruth:  Why the heck are you trying to make me go outside anyway?!