The McEwan's : Goin' Outside

The McEwan's: Goin' Outside


 Bert and Ruth are sitting at the kitchen table.  Bert is reading his newspaper.  Ruth sips on her tea.  Ruth then looks out the window and ...

Ruth:  Why won't you let me outside?

Bert:  Excuse me?

Ruth:  Why the heck won't you let me outside?!

Bert:  Ruth, you're an eighty year old woman.  Not a ... basset hound.

Ruth:  What do you mean by that?!

Bert:  I mean, you let dogs outside.  You do not let people outside.  They just go.

Ruth:  Forget that!  You think I look like a basset hound!

Bert:  I do not think you look like a basset hound!

Ruth:  You just said I look like a basset hound!

Bert:  I said basset hound as an example of a dog.  That's all.

Ruth:  Basset hound was the first dog you thought of?

Bert:  Yes.

Ruth:  So in the process of trying to think of a type of dog, you thought 'Hmm ... Ruth ... Basset Hound.'

Bert:  Ruth, stop!  It's just a type of dog.  You would not be happy with any breed of dog, would you?

Ruth:  No, because I'm not a dog!

Bert:  Which was my point!  You are not a dog!

Ruth:  Fine.

Bert:  Good.

Ruth:  Why can't I go outside?

Bert:  No one ever said you cannot go outside.

Ruth:  All we ever do is sit at this table.  Read newspapers and drink tea.  It's like winning a prize when someone knocks on the door or the phone rings.  Seems the only time we ever leave is when we go to the doctor.  Which means all the fresh air we get is from the door to the car.

Bert:  Ruth.  If you want to go outside.  If you want to get some fresh air.  There are no locks on the doors.  Just go outside.

Ruth:  Okay.  I will.

Bert:  Wonderful.

Ruth:  I'll take my tea out onto the deck.

Bert:  No you can't.  Remember, the boards are all loose.  The guy is coming next week to fix them.

Ruth:  Okay.  I'll take a walk down the street.

Bert:  Well, you know the sidewalk isn't very level and neither of us are very stable these days.

Ruth:  I'll go tend to my flower garden.  I don't know when the last time I did that was.

Bert:  About three years ago when you said you couldn't garden anymore and told me to dig everything up.

Ruth:  Well ... I'll ... How about ...  Uhhh ...  Can I sit in the driveway.

Bert:  The car is in the driveway.

Ruth:  ...

Bert:  Any other ideas.

Ruth:  No.

Bert:  Okay.

Ruth:  Why the heck are you trying to make me go outside anyway?!

FIVE MINUTES TO KILL ME!

FIVE MINUTES TO KILL ME!!
by: Matthew Terry


      Running down the hallway, she entered the bathroom as quickly as she could.  All she wanted to do was get as far away as possible from her boyfriend.  She locked the door behind her, threw her purse onto the counter and tried to slow down her breathing.  She grabbed her purse and started looking for her cell phone.  She needed to get out of this house.  She needed her boyfriend to come get her.  She looked and looked through her bag, but could not find her phone.

      Suddenly, her boyfriend tried opening the door.  Finding it locked, he began banging on it.  He exclaimed "Open the door.  We need to talk about this."  She continued trying to find her phone.  "C'mon, open the door!"  She yelled back "Go away.  I don't want to talk about anything."  After a couple moments of silence, he said "Really?  I find out you're seeing someone else and you think we don't need to talk about this?"

    She now had every item out of her purse.  Her cell phone nowhere to be found.  He began banging on the door again.  "Stop banging on the door." she said.  "You're acting like an animal."  He responded "I'm acting like an animal?  Out of the two of us, I'm the one acting like and animal?  Humans have sexual relations with one person at a time.  Animals have sexual relations with multiple partners.  Which one of us sounds more ... "  "Real mature!" she yelled back.

   Once again, he started knocking on the door.  She really does not want to deal with this.  She just wants to get out of the house.  She would do anything to just get out of this house.


   She grabbed the handle of the door and flung it open.  She looked him straight in the eye and says "You have five minutes to kill me."  He sat dumbfounded as he looked at her.  "What the hell are you talking about?"  She took a deep breath and continued.   "I just called the police and told them I was being assaulted.  You know what they heard?  You yelling and banging on the door.  I'm guessing it will take them about five minutes to get here.  So, I recommend you kill me now before they get here."

   "Why the hell would I kill you?" he asked.
   
   "Because if you don't.  Then they're going show up here, I'm going to tell them how abusive you are and you're going to get arrested.  Then, I promise you, you will be sitting in a jail cell repeating over and over 'I should have killed her.  I should have killed her.'

   "Abusive?  I have never laid a hand on you in ten years."

    "I know that.  But it doesn't matter.  I'm the woman in distress.  They may figure it out eventually, but not before you spend a few nights in jail and ruin your reputation in this town."

    "Really?  You would do that to me?"
   
   "Amazing what people will do when they're backed into a corner."

   "You know I'm not going to do a damn thing to you."

   "Then maybe you should just run.  You have my word I won't tell them where you are.  You can go away and let things calm down.  I'll just tell them I was scared.  They'll buy that."

    "So I just walk out the door and let you handle the police that are coming in five minutes?"


   "Well, like two minutes now.  You should get going."

   "And they're on their way because you called them after you ran into the bathroom?"

   "That's right.  Good thing I had my cell phone on me."

   He stepped out of the doorway and walked down the hall.  She leaned onto the bathroom counter and started taking deep breaths.  Relieved she thought so quickly.  Suddenly, he appeared back in the doorway.  He looked her straight in the eye.

   "Maybe I should just kill you." he said.

   She began to feel scared.  This is not how the plan was supposed to end up.  He pulled her cell phone from behind his back and threw it to her.

  
"Just call who you need to call and get the hell out of my house."